Plan P

Growing from Mistakes

Parents, particularly parents of preteens, teens and young adults, can find themselves searching for answers to explain their child’s behavior. This often leads to dwelling on perceived parental mistakes made in the past, or mistakes made by others-doctors, teachers, other parents and anyone else who might have had impact on the child.
Human beings make mistakes. In this episode we discuss both the importance of acknowledging mistakes and also how to learn from those mistakes. By understanding what might now, in hindsight, be considered a mistake, parents can strengthen themselves and their relationships with their kids. 
It is also important that parents understand the possibility that not everything that happens is a mistake, some actions are just simply human beings being human. When parents acknowledge that truth, they are modeling honesty and responsibility, rather than shame and blame.   
Parents who learn to practice this growth mindset can have open honest conversations and build a foundation of trust with their adolescent children.

Parenting Partnerships

In this episode, we’re focusing on the dynamics of cooperative parenting and how to effectively partner with the various adults in your child's life. Everyone involved in a child's life—parents, grandparents, teachers—has the child’s best interests at heart. However, differing opinions and approaches can create challenges. We explore how to navigate these differing perspectives while maintaining a united front.
Parenting less about micromanaging and more about building effective partnerships. We discuss how to foster positive relationships with other adults in your child's life and how these relationships impact your child’s development.
As children transition into adulthood, their role in the family dynamic shifts. We talk about how parents and other guardians can collaborate with these almost-adults in a way that respects their emerging autonomy while still providing support.
We want to model negotiation, not triangulation! Adolescents crave independence but also need to know there’s a safety net. We discuss how to balance giving them freedom with providing a supportive network that ensures they have help if needed.
 
Resources:
https://cmcffc.org/

Three H's - Hear, Help or Hug

In this episode, we dive into the complexities of human communication with emerging adults. Navigating your child’s hard feelings can be challenging. We often fall into the trap of trying to solve the problem rather than truly understanding what they need. In this episode we discuss understanding how the instinct to offer solutions might actually stem from a desire to make ourselves feel better. This helps parents understand why this approach doesn’t always work and how it can sometimes make things worse.
We discuss methods that can gently guide your child in identifying their own pain points and learning to communicate them effectively. Adolescents crave autonomy and can feel overwhelmed by overly controlling or dominating help. We provide tips on how to support your child without taking over.
Creating a culture of openness is crucial. You’ll leave with strategies for inviting your child into the conversation, making them feel heard, and helping them find their own solutions in a way that feels right to them.
Resources Mentioned:
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Join the Conversation: We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic! Share your insights or questions with us on social media or through our website.
Subscribe and Stay Tuned: Don’t miss out on future episodes! Subscribe to “Plan P is For” for more discussions on parenting, communication, and personal growth.
 

Play Scripts Parents Write

In this episode, Play Scripts Parents Write we delve into the nature of the stories we create about ourselves, our children, and our families. Join us as we explore how these personal narratives shape our understanding and interactions with our adolescent children. By sharing your own experiences-not the scripts you've created about your child's future- you create space for genuine communication which can lead to new and meaningful connections.
The stories we tell ourselves help us make sense of the world but are not necessarily factual. As parents we tend to interpret our children’s behavior through our own narratives, which are often influenced by anxiety and fear. When parents impose their own stories they can limit a child’s ability to express themselves and evolve. Listen to learn and understand the importance of being genuinely curious and open to understanding your children’s perspectives without preconceived judgments.
Sit back, listen to this episode with an open mind. Reflect on the stories that shape your understanding of the world and your relationships. How can you make space for others to share their stories and perspectives? Recognizing and questioning your own narratives can be the first step toward deeper, more empathetic connections.
Resources:
Negotiate Anything
Bruce Lee quote “Fear comes from uncertainty. When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear.”
Connect with Us:
We’re pretty much not on social media much, but it you want to see what we’re up to there, we appreciate and like to be liked, and can be found @PlanPisfor on IG and TikTok
Visit our website at www.planp.us for more episodes and resources

BONUS: sneak peek into our life

Bonus episode
A peek behind the scenes in the real life of Sarah and Quinn
In this episode we invite you into a conversation we are having about our communication and laundry. It is just an example of how and why communication between humans is hard.  We’ve been married 18 years and have known each other since we were teenagers, and we STILL get caught in the muck!! 
So, want to be a fly on the wall?  Listen! As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts, responses and questions.  connect@planp.us
 
DrJessicaBelo.com
#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney
 

Positive Practices

The Power of Positive Speaking
In this episode we chat about The Power of Positive Speaking. We discuss using words that focus on what we want to achieve or encourage, rather than what we want to avoid or eliminate. This subtle shift can make a big difference in how the message is received. By practicing positivity, we can foster an environment of trust and encouragement rather than criticism.
With adolescents using positive language can promote mutual respect and understanding. It’s about building a relationship based on implied trust rather than suspicion.
Positive speaking helps us, the parents, model focusing on the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law which prioritizes the intent behind communication rather than rigidly adhering to a specific set of rules. This approach allows for more flexibility and a deeper connection with others.
Integrating positive speaking into daily interactions can be transformative. It fosters a more constructive and supportive environment, which, over time, becomes a natural part of our communication style.
Have a practicing positive week!
XO
Sarah and Quinn
 
Listen for the weekly practice. Expect this-any new way of speaking or thinking will take time. Practice is a positive use of time.
If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us
 
Resources
Positive Discipline for Teens
I Feel Statement
 
#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney
 

Perspective on Reliability and Regulation

Episode 47:  Reliability and Regulation in Parenting
In this episode of Plan P: Parents Helping Parents Pivot Perspectives  we deep dive into the concepts of reliability and regulation, focusing on how they impact our relationships, especially with adolescents. We'll break down these terms, explore their significance, and discuss how they shape effective parenting and personal growth.
Reliability in parenting means being dependable and consistent. During adolescence, this reliability becomes crucial as teenagers are navigating significant changes and seeking stability.
Before we can effectively regulate others, especially our children, we need to understand and master self-reliance and self-regulation. This foundational understanding helps us approach parenting with greater empathy and effectiveness.
Sending Understanding and Hope your way!   
XO Sarah and Quinn
Listen for the weekly practice.
If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us
Links & Resources:
“The truth of these years reminds us of the importance of changing ourselves as our children change.” from Between Parent and Teen by Haim G. Gingott first published in 1969
Get Out of My Life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?  by Anthony E. Wolf
The Beauty of a Darker Soul by Joshua Mantz
The Chaos Imperative by Ori Brafman and Judah Pollackm(no relation:)
Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project
#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney

Personalize Your Plan

Personalize Your Plan
Parenting adolescents can be challenging emotionally as we navigate their development.  Humans, and human parents, can take things personally, especially when it comes to our children's behaviors and reactions.
When parenting through the preteen, teen and young adult years a crucial question is HOW do we want to personalize, HOW do we want to attach? Connecting to- not cutting off from- your beloved child who is literally physiologically designed to be pushing off into their new adult existence and away from you requires some new skills. In this episode we talk about finding the nuanced balance between being involved and giving space for growth.
Ghandi said “Detachment is not indifference; it is a prerequisite for effective involvement.”
Listen as we discuss how to fulfill that prerequisite-how to build up rather than tear down your relationship with your adolescent child.
Practice:
Personalize your parenting plan by bringing awareness to what your mind is full of. Are you aware when you are taking something personally?  If you are taking it that way, do you want to take it personally or step back to consider other possibilities that exist?  
Resources
I feel statement
Fundamentals of Adlerian Psychology by Rudolph Dreikurs
Troubled by Kenneth R. Rosen
Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler
Have you listened to the Plan P is for Parents Playlist on Spotify? Just added to the playlist “Just the Two of Us” “and you can cry, ain’t no shame in it”
Are you ready to work with a coach to find the Plan that feels right for you? Start on your personalized path here.
 

Positive Engagement

Yes You CAN
There are many actionable steps which parents CAN take to mitigate the negative effects of social media. Introducing three healthy C’s: Compassion, Communication, Collaboration which when used consistently can have positive effects.
We’re back, and so is the Surgeon General who is considering placing warnings on social media due to addiction concerns. Social media has a pervasive impact on parents and in this episode we discuss what parents can’t and also can do given the addictive nature of social media algorithms and its implications.
How do we wean our children?  Sounds like a throwback question?  Welcome to the 2020s, parenting the teen years and the adolescent brain, and tech. Listen and learn tips for genuine connection beyond virtual platforms. Strategies for gradually reducing screen time and social media use.
 
PRACTICE
Engage and encourage self compassion.
Don’t forget to share this with other parents and we’ll “connect” again in two weeks, or whenever you schedule your complimentary session.
 
The 3 C’s of Engagement, in order of use:
Compassion
Communication
Collaboration
 
References:
Stolen Focus by Johann Hari
Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt
NYT article  Surgeon General Calls for Warning Labels on Social Media Platforms
Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker
Set boundaries.  Find peace. by Nedra Glover Tawaab

permission is promotion

What You Permit You Promote
In this episode we discuss the permission slips we give when we allow behaviors.  Parents get accustomed to doing something for their child when the child could actually do it themselves as they age.
We parents, all parents we would dare to say, sometimes allow our children to wear us down until we give them what they want. We say to ourselves and others “It’s just not a battle I’m going to fight.”  When we engage in this manner, parents are sending a signal of tolerating behaviors, actions and choices. When we give permission, we are in some ways unconsciously encouraging and promoting.
What behaviors do you want to promote, and how are you promoting those? We parents want our children to know that we are reliable. Often, we make want to make sure that they know that they can rely upon us.  We also want them to be self-reliant. As they are growing up and being promoted to legal adults this can be a balancing act. One is reliable when one is consistent.
Listen to hear how to promote the relationships that you want, based on your values.
Practice: Reflect on your own parenting practices regarding permission and promotion of behaviors. Pay attention to when you say yes/give permission.
resources
Recovering my Kid Joseph Lee
Set boundaries.  Find peace. a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawaab
Chris Curtis on Discipline and Mindset
The Price of Privilege Madeline Levine
Unaddicted Nzinga Harrison