Plan P

Play Scripts Parents Write

In this episode, Play Scripts Parents Write we delve into the nature of the stories we create about ourselves, our children, and our families. Join us as we explore how these personal narratives shape our understanding and interactions with our adolescent children. By sharing your own experiences-not the scripts you've created about your child's future- you create space for genuine communication which can lead to new and meaningful connections.
The stories we tell ourselves help us make sense of the world but are not necessarily factual. As parents we tend to interpret our children’s behavior through our own narratives, which are often influenced by anxiety and fear. When parents impose their own stories they can limit a child’s ability to express themselves and evolve. Listen to learn and understand the importance of being genuinely curious and open to understanding your children’s perspectives without preconceived judgments.
Sit back, listen to this episode with an open mind. Reflect on the stories that shape your understanding of the world and your relationships. How can you make space for others to share their stories and perspectives? Recognizing and questioning your own narratives can be the first step toward deeper, more empathetic connections.
Resources:
Negotiate Anything
Bruce Lee quote “Fear comes from uncertainty. When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear.”
Connect with Us:
We’re pretty much not on social media much, but it you want to see what we’re up to there, we appreciate and like to be liked, and can be found @PlanPisfor on IG and TikTok
Visit our website at www.planp.us for more episodes and resources

BONUS: sneak peek into our life

Bonus episode
A peek behind the scenes in the real life of Sarah and Quinn
In this episode we invite you into a conversation we are having about our communication and laundry. It is just an example of how and why communication between humans is hard.  We’ve been married 18 years and have known each other since we were teenagers, and we STILL get caught in the muck!! 
So, want to be a fly on the wall?  Listen! As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts, responses and questions.  connect@planp.us
 
DrJessicaBelo.com
#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney
 

Positive Practices

The Power of Positive Speaking
In this episode we chat about The Power of Positive Speaking. We discuss using words that focus on what we want to achieve or encourage, rather than what we want to avoid or eliminate. This subtle shift can make a big difference in how the message is received. By practicing positivity, we can foster an environment of trust and encouragement rather than criticism.
With adolescents using positive language can promote mutual respect and understanding. It’s about building a relationship based on implied trust rather than suspicion.
Positive speaking helps us, the parents, model focusing on the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law which prioritizes the intent behind communication rather than rigidly adhering to a specific set of rules. This approach allows for more flexibility and a deeper connection with others.
Integrating positive speaking into daily interactions can be transformative. It fosters a more constructive and supportive environment, which, over time, becomes a natural part of our communication style.
Have a practicing positive week!
XO
Sarah and Quinn
 
Listen for the weekly practice. Expect this-any new way of speaking or thinking will take time. Practice is a positive use of time.
If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us
 
Resources
Positive Discipline for Teens
I Feel Statement
 
#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney
 

Perspective on Reliability and Regulation

Episode 47:  Reliability and Regulation in Parenting
In this episode of Plan P: Parents Helping Parents Pivot Perspectives  we deep dive into the concepts of reliability and regulation, focusing on how they impact our relationships, especially with adolescents. We'll break down these terms, explore their significance, and discuss how they shape effective parenting and personal growth.
Reliability in parenting means being dependable and consistent. During adolescence, this reliability becomes crucial as teenagers are navigating significant changes and seeking stability.
Before we can effectively regulate others, especially our children, we need to understand and master self-reliance and self-regulation. This foundational understanding helps us approach parenting with greater empathy and effectiveness.
Sending Understanding and Hope your way!   
XO Sarah and Quinn
Listen for the weekly practice.
If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us
Links & Resources:
“The truth of these years reminds us of the importance of changing ourselves as our children change.” from Between Parent and Teen by Haim G. Gingott first published in 1969
Get Out of My Life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?  by Anthony E. Wolf
The Beauty of a Darker Soul by Joshua Mantz
The Chaos Imperative by Ori Brafman and Judah Pollackm(no relation:)
Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project
#parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney

Personalize Your Plan

Personalize Your Plan
Parenting adolescents can be challenging emotionally as we navigate their development.  Humans, and human parents, can take things personally, especially when it comes to our children's behaviors and reactions.
When parenting through the preteen, teen and young adult years a crucial question is HOW do we want to personalize, HOW do we want to attach? Connecting to- not cutting off from- your beloved child who is literally physiologically designed to be pushing off into their new adult existence and away from you requires some new skills. In this episode we talk about finding the nuanced balance between being involved and giving space for growth.
Ghandi said “Detachment is not indifference; it is a prerequisite for effective involvement.”
Listen as we discuss how to fulfill that prerequisite-how to build up rather than tear down your relationship with your adolescent child.
Practice:
Personalize your parenting plan by bringing awareness to what your mind is full of. Are you aware when you are taking something personally?  If you are taking it that way, do you want to take it personally or step back to consider other possibilities that exist?  
Resources
I feel statement
Fundamentals of Adlerian Psychology by Rudolph Dreikurs
Troubled by Kenneth R. Rosen
Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler
Have you listened to the Plan P is for Parents Playlist on Spotify? Just added to the playlist “Just the Two of Us” “and you can cry, ain’t no shame in it”
Are you ready to work with a coach to find the Plan that feels right for you? Start on your personalized path here.
 

Positive Engagement

Yes You CAN
There are many actionable steps which parents CAN take to mitigate the negative effects of social media. Introducing three healthy C’s: Compassion, Communication, Collaboration which when used consistently can have positive effects.
We’re back, and so is the Surgeon General who is considering placing warnings on social media due to addiction concerns. Social media has a pervasive impact on parents and in this episode we discuss what parents can’t and also can do given the addictive nature of social media algorithms and its implications.
How do we wean our children?  Sounds like a throwback question?  Welcome to the 2020s, parenting the teen years and the adolescent brain, and tech. Listen and learn tips for genuine connection beyond virtual platforms. Strategies for gradually reducing screen time and social media use.
 
PRACTICE
Engage and encourage self compassion.
Don’t forget to share this with other parents and we’ll “connect” again in two weeks, or whenever you schedule your complimentary session.
 
The 3 C’s of Engagement, in order of use:
Compassion
Communication
Collaboration
 
References:
Stolen Focus by Johann Hari
Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt
NYT article  Surgeon General Calls for Warning Labels on Social Media Platforms
Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker
Set boundaries.  Find peace. by Nedra Glover Tawaab

permission is promotion

What You Permit You Promote
In this episode we discuss the permission slips we give when we allow behaviors.  Parents get accustomed to doing something for their child when the child could actually do it themselves as they age.
We parents, all parents we would dare to say, sometimes allow our children to wear us down until we give them what they want. We say to ourselves and others “It’s just not a battle I’m going to fight.”  When we engage in this manner, parents are sending a signal of tolerating behaviors, actions and choices. When we give permission, we are in some ways unconsciously encouraging and promoting.
What behaviors do you want to promote, and how are you promoting those? We parents want our children to know that we are reliable. Often, we make want to make sure that they know that they can rely upon us.  We also want them to be self-reliant. As they are growing up and being promoted to legal adults this can be a balancing act. One is reliable when one is consistent.
Listen to hear how to promote the relationships that you want, based on your values.
Practice: Reflect on your own parenting practices regarding permission and promotion of behaviors. Pay attention to when you say yes/give permission.
resources
Recovering my Kid Joseph Lee
Set boundaries.  Find peace. a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawaab
Chris Curtis on Discipline and Mindset
The Price of Privilege Madeline Levine
Unaddicted Nzinga Harrison
 

Personal Care is Care of Self

Care of Self
 
Self-Care reminders are ev-er-y-where!! We like to take things apart and putting care in front of self is something that we talk about all the time with parents.  We have met many parents who reassure us that they have a lot of self-care practices, and they are still struggling.
Putting care first can be harder than we think.  What it first offers is the opportunity to explore who that self is.  Who are YOU?  What do YOU want which is about you and you alone? You’re a parent, we know you are giving care, and we know that you are working. Who is that Self and what kind of care are you giving them?
Care of self involves being aware of your WHOLE self-mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and then practicing that care consistently. Self-care is ultimately an investment in the parental person-you. It is NOT selfishSelf-care can also be work! Going to the gym?  Yeah, if only there was a magic pill for strength building. Setting boundaries? That is work and holding them takes even more strength!
Doing your own work allows you to stay loving towards others. It allows parents to consider is they are enabling or empowering with their actions and choices. Modeling responsible adult behavior-going to the doctor, the dentist, the gym, your therapist, your coach all show your child what it means to be a well balanced, caring, independent adult.
 
Practice: What are you willing to Invest in for your self?  
And, this could be viewed as self-promotion, but it’s broader. Parenting is hard. Growth is messy. If you are reading this and you are not working with a parent coach once a week or every other week, change that. Find a coach-any parent coach, you deserve that care!
 
Set Boundaries, Find Peace a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawwab
Life Is In The Transitions  Bruce Feiler
Last Day Podcast
Sarah is still looking for where she read about eating disorders being one of the ways that teens try to build their autonomy…but, in the meantime, if that statement piqued you, get in touch, she’ll look harder!

Producing and Practicing

Producing and Practicing
Can we all agree, parenting anxious adolescents can be anxiety producing!  This week we’re talking about Jonathan Haidt’s latest book, The Anxious Generation. Parents are afraid, schools are stressed, and no surprise, trickle down anxiety, there’s an entire generation awash in anxiety...and the cycle goes around again.  It makes total sense that parents are scared given everything that is going on with kids and, well, everything! Parents want what’s best for their kids. We want to keep them safe.
The truth is that humans, and particularly teens, need new experiences in order to learn and grow. Social media and screens are so much a part of all of our lives.  What do we learn from them?  What are the kids learning from them? Parents can participate by doing their part-consciously connecting with other humans, and disconnecting from devices.  There are ways that parents can invite their kids to roam free- while also maintaining boundaries; let them explore, and also build connections within the home.  
We humans are pack animals. We are designed to be together. Exploring how and where to create spaces where in-person communities are present is an opportunity awaiting us all!
 
PRACTICE:
Keep an eye out for opportunities to give your kid real life interactions, places where they put their phones down and make eye contact in communities
Family meals
Game nights
Consider speaking with parents or administrators about taking the bold step of making school a phone free environment, the kids will balk, but they’re adaptable!
What other ideas do you have?
 
References
Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

Personal Belief

What is a belief?  Beliefs are personal, not right or wrong.  To believe that there are things we will never understand can be a challenge. Our beliefs about things outside our control inform our attitudes, they can cause us pain and despair, and also joy and release.  What we humans can do is shift our attitude. Understanding that we do not hold all control requires a letting go. Believing that there is something, anything, that exists outside of us humans-a spirit, a god, an energy, the stars, flowers, whales, the ocean might not make sense, but it makes sense to let go of what we aren’t actually controlling.  Neural plasticity allows us to change our attitudes, which in turn impacts our relationships with ourselves and others. What do you want to believe? We get to make different choices.
PRACTICE: Pay Attention/Bring Awareness to the small things that happen or you observe that don’t make sense.
A parking spot opens up
You see someone you were thinking about
Anything unexpected makes you smile or feel happy
Coincidences
You notice a beautiful weed/flower popping through the cement
Keep it going…..
 
The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller (that Sarah believes you should read, but understands others are entirely free to believe differently)
Acronym: F.A.I.T.H Finding Answers In The Heart
Playlist Addition Don’t Stop Believing